To Be

To Be

I sit
as the thoughts go streaming by,
I watch
as the sensations tickle and coax,
I feel
as emotions emerge, surging to the surface
poking out from the covers of my body
to reach out their hand
to pull me under with them.
I stand back
perhaps to yell a silent scream
coming from the bottom of me
surging up through my every cell
threatening to emerge from the top of my head
to explode over the stillness,
to litter everything, everywhere
with the garbage of the years collected
from parents, TV, and teachers
long gone.
Their energy has drawn me to them,
till I don’t recognize the best in not only myself,
but the essence of this world.
To worry, to control each movement
forcing each thought in or out of a box
always there
asking me to choose.
Make a choice
before the end of the world tips over
and I am left hanging
by my allusions to the sticky slope of judgement,
yelling down at myself and them,
because I am scared, no terrified
of not existing, of fading away like that dot
on an old television.

As the abyss beckons,
my heart hovering just above
this space next to oblivion.
It is only then, I remember
feeling the moist air on my nostrils
leading the slow exhale of air from my belly
pushing upwards toward the heavens
pausing, and finally floating down
to rest upon
this very moment’s breath,
just, to be.

MHS